The ugly truth about dresses

The Christmas after I left University for the first time, and yes, I left 3 times, was one that just lately has come to make a lot of sense to me.
That year, I was working my very first full time job. I was rocking it working at Pennington's (a clothing store for fat ladies) in the Toronto Eaton Centre. Premier mall in the biggest city in all of Canada and I was selling mumus to all the best fat chicks in town. I was working my ass of for $278 every two weeks - and that's full time hours brothers and sisters - it was a LONG time ago. And I was only 20.
I had my own apartment - $275 a month - right beside the train tracks in one of the worst neighbourhoods in town. The entire apartment could fit inside my kitchen in my tiny townhouse now but I thought it was amazing.
Back to Christmas - I saved up and bought my mom a dress for Christmas. This was no small feat - finding a dress that would suit my Mom. My Mom had a weird body. She was big on top and also had a HUGE ass - the kind that we called a "shelf bum" - like you could sit trinkets and ornaments on to display them.... She also had a uniform that she rarely strayed from. She wore gabardine stretch pants in either brown, black or navy - a brightly coloured sleeveless shirt and a co-ordinating overblouse that covered her bum. We were all to check that the bum and gut were always covered over....
So, I thought I was stepping my mom out. My mom thought she had her own style - and in retrospect, although it horrified me - I guess she really did.
This dress I bought her was a two peice = short sleeved longish top and elastic waist A-line skirt. All in a tasteful black and white and green pattern that if I close my eyes I can still see although I find it quite impossible to describe without having it sound hideous.
My mom seemed happy enough when she opened it. I forced her to try it on because I wanted to see how wonderful it would look on her. Now, I had bought a size 28. For those of you not in the know, that's about as big as it got at the time - there was no where but smaller to go from there in the land of larges.
My mom tried it on and it didn't fit. The top was too small and the bottom wouldn't go around her.
I was sure that there was something wrong - I checked the tags - I kept saying that there must be some mistake.
And my mom broke down. She cried. I'm sure NOW that she was upset with herself - like I am when my "fat pants" turn out to be just "pants". But she started screaming... How could I do this to her. How could I ruin Christmas for her - for everyone. I am so selfish - everything has to be about Sandra. We all have to be impressed that Sandra can afford big gifts now that she has her big city job...how could I do this to her?
I spent Christmas day in my room. I couldn't even talk I was so ashamed. Why. What had I done this for? Why did I want to hurt her?
At one point during the day, my cousin Janice came up to my room - we're close now, we weren't then - and said to me that not only had I hurt my mother with my thoughtless gift, I had ruined christmas for her and everyone else.
My mom didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. I left the next morning for Toronto to be back to work on boxing day sales.
I took the dress with me. Turns out, it was a 22 mislabelled as a 28. I exchange it for the 28, mailed it to my mom and we never talked about that dress, that fight or that Christmas again.
I try not to think about that Christmas ever.
Christmas was my mom's favourite holiday. She spent 2 months preparing for it and a month cleaning up after it. Now that she's gone, I've tried to recreate the Christmas that she use to - but I just can't. Rick tells me every year that the Christmas I long for no longer exists. I almost think that it was the one horrific Christmas - the one that I inadvertently ruined by being an underacheiving over-acheiver that stops me from being able to.
I have this paralyzing fear that at any time as I try to make everyone love me (or at the very very least really like me) by giving anything and everything I've got to make sure that everyone is happy every minute of every day that at any second any one of them is going to turn to me and say "you ruined it all". And all I was trying to do was help.