September 23rd

Note: Dan tells me this is a blog. I think its just what's on my mind - I'm sorry I've been keeping it in there so much lately.

My mom would have been 70 today. Seventy. Wow.
Funny but I can't picture her at 70.
She never seemed anything but ancient to me - I guess because she was in her 30s when I was born. She never seemed like a young person. She was silly of course but never "young silly" always "adult silly".
She drank singapore slings.
Her special new years eve hors'd'ovre was split hamburger buns covered in garlic margarine, bacon she cut up with scissors and a cheese slice and placed under the broiler.
We are NOTHING alike.
We are however so much alike its scary.
She always wore jewellery to match every outfit she had
She hated confrontation
She loved hard - like I do and I think as a result she was constantly disappointed.
She loved her birthday - celebrated every year like a kid - an adult kid.
She and I were meant to be together - I know we were
She did stupid things with her health essentially letting worry eat her alive
I don't want to be like her
So thats what day it is

Tell me where it hurts

The other day I had physiotherapy on my shoulder. If you will remember waaaaaaaaaaaay back to last year I hurt my shoulder.
It happened when I was on the lazy river at Disney World, floating along on my inner tube. Sammy and I were holding hands. He proceeded to float one way and I floated the other. We didn't let go of each other and it is my belief that my baby ripped my arm from the socket.
Well, actually, the doctor tells me its bursitis. That sounds like something that old people get akin to "the rheumatism" and "the gout". So, I prefer to think of it as an extreme sports injury!
Back to my story, I was at physio on Thursday - again for my shoulder but my elbow was KILLING me. THROBBING elbow pain. So, he electrocuted it.
When I went back to physio on Saturday, my elbow was fine but my bicep felt bruised and almost hot to the touch.
NEITHER of these painful places were my shoulder where the actual, medically proven, injury actually is. It is my shoulder that is damaged - not my arm.
When I said - "wow that's weird" - my physio guy (who, by the way, is also a massage therapist, acupuncturist and chiropractor if you need a good physio guy - he rocks) said something that occurred to me later, when I wasn't in massive pain, that was very profound.
"Sometimes where things hurt isn't where you're injured"
My head said - well ya, my body is compensating. Its protecting itself. Its flinching when I go to poke it in the eyeball. Smart body!
But, what I thought later was that my life is sometimes doing that as well - and so do we all.
Christmas - Every year I protest when Wayne puts up the craptacular display of Christmas puke all over every surface of our house. Its not that I hate Christmas or even that I hate the fact that he tarts up the house like a Christmas whore, I just am acting to protect myself.
The hate of Christmas is compensation because my Mom isn't here to decorate her place with tinsel and the ceramic tree. My push away from all the cookies and gifts and over-kill is so that I don't have to try to be her every year. I'm the anti- her. I flinch when Santa pokes me in the rosy cheeks.
I do that a lot actually.
I pretend not to like things because my Mom loved them.
I use my grief as a cushion.
I use my Mom and stop myself from enjoying things that I could.
But I feel pain all over that doesn't just relate to being an orphan.
I rarely let myself get angry over the real things that piss me off.
I have a friend that I think lies to me. Why do I think that? Because he lies to every other person in his whole entire life.
When I call him on this, he says that I am the only person he doesn't lie to.
But, because I am me, I can't help but think that is a lie too.
And now, I've gotten to the point where I think that EVERYTHING he says is a lie. Even stupid stuff.
Really, even if it is a lie, does it matter?
What does it matter if he lies to me? Everybody lies.
But his lies make me mad. Not that they are even about me - but they make me mad AT him. But instead of letting myself be mad, I get upset. Sad. Depressed. Blame myself that he thinks he has to lie about things.......to me!
I feel hurt feelings.
The source of my pain is??????
What?
Oh - right - the source of my pain is lying. Not his. Likely mine. I lie to people all the time. It has nothing to do with them - everything to do with me. The lies cause me pain. Not mine. His.
Are you following me?
What I'm trying to say is that everything in this life is cause and effect. But sometimes its harder than you think to trace the cause. Not everything is a straight line. Not everything is easy to explain.
My shoulder still hurts - and my elbow - and my bicep - and my wrist.
The body protects itself the best way it knows how - or so says my physio guy.
The psyche does too.
With curved lines and double lines and lines with dashes.

Singing the Blues

My friend is going to a concert tonight - to see Elton John and Billy Joel. While I've never been a fan of Billy Joel, I have always loved Elton John. Billy always seemed too.....hmmm........American for my tastes. Too working class hero. Too - well - just too American.
Elton, on the other hand, he was a mystery to me and I loved him.
Back in the 1970s I was alive and well but a kid - not really aware of what was going on around me but watching it nonetheless.
I watched "One day at a time". I saw Valerie Bertinelli and I identified with her because she was the FAT one - at least in my head she was. Of course she probably weighed fully half of what I did - but I digress... And I saw that Val LOVED Elton John. So of course, I too loved Elton John.
I heard Elton on the radio. And I loved him there too. He was fun and crazy looking. Flamboyant before that was a bad thing.
He was my generation's Liberace - before we knew why. Or well - I think we all deep down knew why - but before - when we were supposed to pretend NOT to know why!
And the pop music of Elton John followed me through my high school before it was eaten alive by the 80's new wave monster.
I can remember going to buy the "Live in Australia" double album set when that came out. It was the greatest album ever - and I think it still might be.
But where Elton sticks in my life in particular is in 1983.
When a boy....well I bet you can tell what comes next....a boy broke my heart. Sitting here I would love to tell you the story. I would love to but I'm not sure I can.
You see, at the time, it felt as if my heart was broken in half and laying bloody on the carpet in front of me. At the time I was sure that it would be better to be dead of heartbreak than to live through that pain. How could he? How could he not love me?
Elton said to me, "I guess that's why they call it the blues/Time on my hands could be time spent with you".
He knew.
I can remember crying through the tears.
I have a clear - crystal clear - memory of sitting on my carpet in my bedroom - near the window and singing along at the top of my lungs "don't wish it away/don't look at it like it's forever..."
I was eating a sandwich - white bread and cheese - don't know why I remember that. And I was crying so hard that the bread was salty from tears and I was kind of choking on its soggy salty stickiness while I sang and ate and cried.
But do you know, for the life of me I can't remember who I was crying about.
Was it Steve or Steve? Yes, both named Steve. Both broke my heart. Both in 1983.
Kinda sucked twice.
But who made me hurt like I wanted to die?
Who gave me that memory etched into my brain so that every time for the rest of my life when I even THINK about Elton John I think about choking on a tear stained cheese sandwich?
I can't say for sure.
But I think that's an important thing eh?
Sad thing is, I still have BOTH Steve's in my life and neither of them were worth the tears.

The Crickets

Yes, that's the sound of crickets. I haven't been writing here lately and I'm about to give you the home spun psychoanalysis that I've managed to dig up out of my psyche.
People were reading my blog. People were reading my articles in the magazines that I wrote. People in general were reading what I had written.
Some people read it and asked me questions.
Some people read it and said I was oh so clever to have written these things.
Someone even said she showed other people an article and said "I know her" - like knowing me MEANT something. Like knowing who wrote those things was something to be proud of.
And all of the sudden I got shy.
Me.
I got shy.
Now, if you've met me, I am a huge fan of attention. Negative attention. Positive Attention. Being the centre of attention.
I call attention to myself at every bloody opportunity that I have.
I speak out in group settings.
I'm loud.
I'm opinionated and I'm not afraid to express them. On more than one occasion I have said - If you don't want to know what I think then you should never have a conversation with me - cause I will tell you.
I don't ever want to shrink into the background. You can tell that by the way I dress, the way I act, the shoes I wear....everything about me is bigger than life. I crave it.
That's right, I said I crave attention. I love attention. I can't even understand how people could NOT want to be noticed.
I've never ever shied away from attention either. I seek leadership roles in every job or committee or group I've ever been in. Its natural to me to want to be in charge, get up on a stage and talk about something. It doesn't even matter to me what I'm talking about! Big crowd, small group - I'm all in!
I am a natural story teller. Half of the time when I'm doing something, I'm likely trying to figure out how later I will tell the story.
"..when I tell the story about this day (and I will), you were naked!"
I think the stories, for me, are socially acceptable stand up comedy. You know, never one to seek out the stage (ahem) I have to have a creative outlet for my affectations.
I've always know I've had them - my Mother used to bellow at me when she was mad,
"You're so AFFECTED!" Like that or any type of drama was a BAD thing! I thought that I had turned my need to be in the spotlight into a "thing".
My "thing" if you will is being VISIBLE. You'd never be somewhere with me: a meeting or an event or a party and NOT know that I was there. I'm always visible.
That is, in part, what I love about my blog. Its a place where I express those affectations and the need to be seen and heard. Its where I am visible.
But something CLICKED recently. Something made me want to not be seen.
Part of it I guess is fear of success. Accolades made me shy. An odd reaction for an attention whore, but a human reaction at that.
I'm not THAT successful. I didn't get that much praise.
Is it the fear of being noticed? Maybe. Maybe if I am good at something then people will expect more from me. Maybe I will expect more from myself. Maybe I will want more from myself.
Someone asked me if it was my fear of the medium.
"You're fearless in person but naked in print"
It could very well be that I can't take back what I've said once its written. That my inhibitions that are stripped in conversation, surface when its cast in print. It makes permanent something that I think - and makes me accountable for my opinions.
I can honestly say I don't know.
I am not sure which of these things or which combination of these things it is but I am resolved to overcome it. I am resolved to pull the proverbial stick out of my ass and start letting out what has been trapped inside for the last 4+ months. I'm sure there is a floodgate just ready and willing to be burst open!

Turn it down

I'm sitting here, on my love seat, in my living room wishing I lived in the country far far away from everyone. Far FAR away.
I can't even think. Its too loud. Way too loud.
What?
The neighbours. The neighbours music is SO loud that the wall is vibrating. Booming bass is banging and has been for half an hour.
How long do I have to listen to it before I can complain?
How many fucking times do I have to complain before they get that its just too bloody fucking loud?
For shit's sake they have a 6 month old baby who's hearing they are likely irreparably damaging. Four frigging kids and you CANNOT tell me that at 7pm they are sitting around playing monopoly and listening to some reggae shit turned up to 12 on their stereo. No freaking way.
I have no fucking idea what music they are listening too because there is no break between songs. Its like one big long booming song that has lasted over half an hour.
Now, this isn't the first time this has happened. Like I said, I've complained before. I've even called the police before. But these people don't GET it. If you turn your stereo to 11 it is too fucking loud. End of. It just is. It offends me. I can't hear my tv that is 4 feet from me. Wouldn't you think that they would learn that this makes me homicidal?
It its not over in the next 10 minutes.....I'm going to....oooooh....I'm going to go knock on the door and give them the "stink eye"!

Slight Delay

I apologize for the slight delay in posting my New Years Resolutions 2009 - I had to do some reading and research and make sure that I had all of my priorities and plans in order for the upcoming year.............ok - I don't believe me either. I am lazy. Exceptionally lazy. But that isn't the case this year - I swear to you I've just been really busy and somewhat preoccupied.
But, you know, its actually BETTER to make your resolutions on the 10th of January. I've already had a chance to test some of them out and fail at them and now I get a chance to modify and leave out ones that I just can't commit to. Yay for me.
So here we go.
You ready?
These are going to be awesome!

1. Distinguish who my true friends are, enjoy them, and tell them how much I do. Let the friends who aren't friends go.
I did this a bit last year (the letting go part) and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I miss bad experiences as much as good ones. I'm a bit of a masochist sometimes, I admit.
I think my whole need to recognize when I'm loved and by who motivates this whole assessment process for me. I feel like my constant need for approval makes me very vulnerable - my need to please and be everything to everyone is not helpful in friendships.
But, I was saying tonight - the good friends that I have are awesome. And I made new ones this year - yay. I sometimes these things become damaging though and I need to check that I'm ok.

2. Eat Less Crap.
I eat a lot of useless processed carb as a vegetarian. Now that I'm eating some meat again, I need to be careful that I don't eat useless processed meat crap.
As a family we have all but eliminated fast food.
Ok - we still get subs and shwarma but really, who could live a life without falafel? I ask you. Is a life without falafel worth living?
We are trying to cook everything from scratch which is yay for us healthy but a shitload of work.
No more spaghetti sauce from a jar - its made from scratch.
Oh yes - its work but hopefully worth it in the end - right?

3. Declutter my life.
I have lots and lots of crap. I need to organize said crap. Once the crap is organized, some crap must go. Some crap can stay.

4. Move my ass more.
This is one of those started and broken resolutions that I spoke about. On January 5th Ben and I started doing Pilates at 5:45am. We did 3 days and stopped for 2. Today we took a walk and used the exercise ball. I don't know if we will continue at 5:45 am. But we need to move MORE.
Fat ass = unhappy Sandra/

5. Read things that aren't plugged in.
I read a lot on line. This blog. Other blogs.
Magazines.
The paper.
Emails.
Facebook status.
IM that would make you blush and your eyes bleed from boredom.
But I have been reading the same novel since November and that's not good.
I got AWESOME books for Christmas - the Wicked series - and I need to read them.
The more I read the more I write.
Read. I need to read.

6. Take care of my money
I'm very private about money - so I won't talk about that here. But I need to admit that I need to handle it better.

7. Start saying NO
I need to say no to people when they ask me to do things that I don't want to do.
I also need to say no to people when I agree to things only to please THEM and not ME.
AND lastly I need to say no to people when its just TOO MUCH.
Examples? Oh geez - too many to count lately.
Like next week at work when I work on the Job Fair project whick I took on as the managing Programme Director only because I couldn't STAND to work as part of a team. I don't play well with others - this can sometimes, like in this case lead to a shitload of extra work.
Like this week when I will spend my Friday off (the first one I've had since November) opening car doors at the kiss and drop at school in the freezing fucking cold and then making snacks for 699 kids. I know I volunteer and I know I am the PTA-VP but sometimes I should just say no.
Like when the dishes pile up and I do them instead of going to bed.
Or when we need milk and I run out at 11pm.
Or when someone asks if I "mind" if they don't come in to work and I have to cover...
SO yes, no would be good. Occasionally.
See, I whine too much. Maybe I should make that a resolution!

8. Not say yes to everything
I need reminding.
The opposite of no is yes.
Sure also works.
I shall try to remember!


9. Not take on too much by learning to say, "Stop, that's too much"
See above.

10. Get a new job.
I might lose mine this year. Its a long story and I'll explain more later but basically, the government is moving stuff around. I may or may not have funding for my program after March 31st.
So - leaving might not be my choice.
But I'm going to be proactive and do something about it this time.
Honestly I have a great bunch of people who work for me - and I would miss them like nuts but I need to move on!

11. Get one more magazine to publish in.
Duh.
If I only write for Canadian Newcomer Magazine then I will be a specialist. I'm barely a professional, I don't want to be a pro-specialist.
I think I might head towards muscle or fitness publications...who knows! But I need to diversify!

12. Pay more attention to this blog. Sorry blog people. I neglect you when I get busy. I come, sometimes, only to bitch and complain. I sometimes pay more attention to facebook than I do you. So so so sorry. I promise to bring my joys and triumphs here as well as my tears and rants. Bad bad me.

Well - that's it. Startinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg NOW!

Resolutions revisited

My friend Dan has a blog. Its here. In his blog, he does a "review" of last year's New Year's resolutions and gives himself pass or fail marks on them. I've decided to do something similar and let you all know just how I did.
I like a good resolution. Although, again, as anyone who knows me will tell you I rarely if ever manage to follow through on anything I resolve to do. I don't think that the making of resolutions is my problem. I think that following through on the resolutions is.
Here are the eight things I resolved to do or not do in 2008

1. I will not quit this stupid job until I get another one - and I will not stay in this job cause I kind of hate it.
Well, you see, this is a tough one because round about February of 2008 I started to really like my job.
So the question of whether or not to leave because I hated it became a moot point. I didn't want to leave.
Then, in the summer I became the company privacy officer which is a job that I actually really really enjoy. Then there was absolutely no question. I couldn't leave.
So now, here I sit with unemployment looming (the programme contract has not been extended past March 31 - YET) and no job in my future.
I'm writing exams for my privacy certification on January 21st - hopefully once I have that my place in the universe will be more secure. But who knows, career wise, where the wind will blow me.
Verdict? Fail. But ultimately - passed.
2. I will do the dishes.
I actually DO the dishes. Yesterday I did them 4 times! Grumble.
I still leave them occasionally but - wonder of wonders - I sometimes get hubby or son #1 to do them too! Yay.
Verdict - totally PASSED!
3. I will move.
Alright. We didn't move. But but but.......
Fine!
Verdict - Failed.
But I'm not unhappy about it.
4. I will win the war with chemical addictions.
Oh hell who am I kidding - I barely lasted 12 hours without diet coke.
Sure, I tried about 4 times to give it up - but I couldn't do it. I have that monkey on my back that just won't die. He's got his greedy little claws in my liver and he's giving me GAS but he won't let go!
Bastard monkey.
At least I didn't take up any NEW addictions.
That's something....right? right?
Verdict - Big bad ugly FAILURE!
5. I will stick to this vegetarian thing.
I did stick to the vegetarian thing.
I even took it a step further and went VEGAN for a bit.
I fought my cheese addiction.
And on Christmas eve I had a piece of beef.
Then I had an egg.
So, for the most part, 6 days a week - I am a vegetarian.
Go me.
I lost weight as a veggie, felt better, medications changed and all kinds of good things.
But, somewhere near the end of the years..........to be continued.........
Verdict - Pass! (mostly)
6. My body will not betray me.
Well, It didn't betray me, but it wasn't very nice.
I'm thinner than I was last year at this time.
But the peri-menopause is setting in and I'm starting to "old up".
I'd say, at this point, the body and I are friends.
Once we got the all clear on the "dying" front, we made a truce. Anything she can dream up to challenge me, I can handle.
Verdict - Pass
7. I will yell less.
Meh. Yelling is under-rated.
I mean, who's to say that my screaming isn't SOOTHING to some people?
Who's to say that its not the only reason the kids do anything?
I can't say that....can you?
Verdict - Fail. Miserably!
8. I will write more.
This resolution I rocked the ASS of of!
I wrote more here and in my other blogs which, if you really wanted to read you could email me and I could direct you to...
I wrote stories.
I even wrote a flipping poem. And, it didn't SUCK. I know - pretty freaking amazing isn't it?!?
I started writing for Canadian Newcomer Magazine and they actually PAY me for it.
If you think of writing like figure skating - I am being paid to write - therefore I have effectively turned PRO!
The first time I saw my name in print in a magazine thrilled me. I wanted to run around and scream and show everyone. I couldn't - I mean - that would be pathetic....right? But I felt like I had done something HUGE! Something I've always wanted to do anyway.
Verdict - Passed with flying colours.

All in all, 2008 was good - uneventful - which was my wish last year.
2009 I would like to be a building year - for bigger and better things. But, my friends, that's another blog!