But, I have discovered some things about myself and I'm compiling a list for you.
6 1/2 Things I Learned About Myself In 2007
1. I need to be super vigilant in this age of digital photography and on line photo posting about how I pose for photos and who I let take them.
2007 was not a banner picture year for me. Lets examine the evidence shall we....
My advice is do NOT let well meaning people who are shorter than you are (whether they are 7 years old or not) take your photo.
Don't let ANYONE take close ups.
Repeat to yourself, "even Madonna has adult acne" and don't let it beat you down.
Keep your frigging eye(s) open.
And most importantly, get rid of, or at least camouflage, those hideous superfluous chins. Perhaps a jaunty turtleneck?
2007 - year of the bad photo op.
2. Just because you make a plan doesn't mean it will be easy to follow.
I love what Anderson Cooper said in his book last year...I forget the name....with regard to New Orleans hoping that the levies would hold in case of a Hurricane....
"Hope is not a plan".
He is totally absolutely right. Hope is not a plan. Even plans are aren't easy to follow and just because you HOPE shit will or will not happen- that doesn't mean ANYONE is out there listening to what is going on in your heart.
I hoped I wouldn't lose my job. I hoped that I wouldn't lose my friends and a place that I believed in. I hoped that the government would see sense and keep the place up and running.
But nothing I hoped for with regard to my job happened.
There was a feeling that I got when one of my clients found a job.
Even a stupid $8 an hour Tim Horton's job.
There was a bigger feeling when I helped my one eyed carny get a drug plan - and medication.
It was pride. I was proud of what I did. And just because I hoped that I could continue to be proud of what I did, that didn't mean it was going to happen.
I have a plan now. Its not as good a plan as my hope - but maybe if I keep hoping, it will get better.
3. Food and I are not Friends.
At the start of 2007 the Doctor told me I was 100 pounds fatter than Tyra Banks is when she is at her fattest. I was 100 pounds over weight.
At first I didn't believe him.
Then I did the math.
And he was right.
Alot - 100 = still alot.
Good God in heaven how did that happen?
I mean, I wasn't at my fattest but, I was giving my fattest a run for her money. She was running slowly and out of breath but she was running nonetheless!
So I was determined that I would lose 10 pounds a month. Just 10. No problem. I could be done in one year. 10. That's it. I can take a good crap some days and lose 5 - so how hard could 10 be?
And for the first few months it wasn't hard at all. I lost 20 pounds in 2 months. Yay me.
Then I got sick - and stressed - and lazy - and stressed - and lost my job - and unemployed - and stressed - and lazy......and finally here we have ourselves arrived in December. I have gone back to the 100+ point 3 times this year. There was one point where NOTHING fit me. NOTHING. Even my fat pants turned in to just regular pants! That was a bad day to be me!
But I end December 22 pounds less than I started January.
I HOPE - and again - hope is not a plan - have I taught you people nothing? - that I can change.
For 7 weeks I have been meat/chicken/fish free. I dropped eggs a few weeks ago - milk and yogurt and ice cream. I have had serious thoughts about cheese - but I'm not quite willing to let that go quite yet.
In January we will begin to examine our relationship with carbonation.
I'm trying to think about what I eat. I'm not on a diet, but I bought a belt for my new fatter fatpants the other day.
Sure, Tyra Banks will always look better than I do. But she hasn't had the pleasure of deep fried cheese stuffed olives now, has she?
4. Its not easy to make friends.
Sure, you've all read my previous blogs (you have haven't you?) about my year of the olive branch and how through the blind insistence of one friend I managed to find a tonne of great new friends but dammit - its hard.
I'm old. And some of my friendships seriously go back forever. I've had one friend for 33 years. Another two for 26 years. One for 23 years - and a bunch for 22.
That is amazing and I am truly truly lucky. I don't let people go once I find good ones.
But, having said that - I don't let people go once I find them even when the friendships are not so good anymore. Lets put that insight on the back burner for "resolutions 08".
This year was about busting out.
Making friends in new ways.
Using technology.
Changing my style.
Changing how I act in groups - how I assimilate and amalgamate who I am into a bunch of people. So no, not easy.
But good. Very very good and consider this my full two thumbs up recommendation for a 2008 resolution for yourself.
5. Cancer sucks ass.
Now, this could be where I give you the song and dance about how to never take your good health for granted. Live each day to the fullest. Be kind to others. Blah blah.
But, I won't - because you all know that.
It is the not knowing - the indecision - the imprecision - the unknown that is scary as fuck.
And that is what this year has been about.
My cancer is dormant.
Not gone.
Dormant. Sleeping.
And although my calm exterior may seem like all is good, inside my little head is a person running around screaming at the top of her lungs - "HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT" on a constant loop.
I see another dermatological oncologist in January. I start the tests all over in January. And cancer, continues to suck ass.
6. I'm not a Mary. I'm a Rhoda.
I act like a Mary a lot.
But I'm not happy doing that.
In my best relationships - my favourites and the ones that I am most at ease, comfortable and happiest with myself in - I am the Rhoda.
I want to stand behind you.
I love to be the quirky, fun, brightly coloured one.
The paisley scarf-dress to your velvet pantsuit.
The perfectly coiffed and well liked Marys freak me out.
The fact that to someone - anyone - I may appear as a Mary is wildly disturbing. Almost upsetting to me.
If you need to ask why - then you don't know me very well at all.
6 1/2. I'm better than I think I am.
I've given this a half point because its something that I'm not so sure about at any given moment of any given day.
In my job, my marriage, with my kids, when I cook, when I eat, when I write, when I read, when I drive - I'm not as bad as I think I am.
I am way too hard on myself.
I judge myself ALL the time about everything.
I should stop that.
But I'm half sure that I'm half way there.
And that, my friends, is the truth.
3 comments:
this...was a piece of PURE and UNCUT "FABULOUS". i love EVERY word.
I had to read number one out loud to Max, because he wanted to know why I was laughing hysterically. He joined me in laughing after hearing it, and I think we both peed a little. Seriously. The entire thing was outstanding.
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