I've been a friend to the gay man for a very long time. Its something that I've done for so long I doubt I'd know at this point in my life how NOT to be one. Being a FAG HAG is a badge of honour, a walk of shame, something I pride myself on and the bain of my existance.
I have acted as the reserve prom, wedding or family party guest for all of my homo friends at one time or another. If my straightening services are required I shall be there for you. If you need someone to go with you to buy you a suit, I will be there (especially YOU - and you know who you are!). If you require a date for the company Christmas party who won't spill your beans, its me. I've done it forever. I will keep your secrets if secrets need to be kept.
And in return what do I get as your hag (a term which most, including me find offensive)? I get the attention. I get the affection. I get to be the only girl in a gaggle of boys and sure - they don't want to fuck me but they want to BE with me - and in most cases, that's enough.
I get love-a-plenty and shopping advice. Someone will watch chick flicks with me.
Someone will tell me I'm pretty and smart - cause they believe it - not because they want to get some.
And yes, it is good for my self esteem - usually.
But there are those times - when your faggots drop you for an anonymous cock (or 4) in the alley or a boy with a promise of forever - and its destructive and it hurts like someone ripped your heart out through your nose with a spoon.
Sometimes the hags fall for their gays - cause like I say - fag hags are attracted to boys - sometimes our hearts get confused and hurt.
Its best, when your gays kiss you, to hold your breath and think of England. Do some complicated long division in your head. Don't - whatever you do - DO NOT let yourself buy into the kiss. No matter how long it lasts. No matter if there is tongue or not (cause sometimes these things slip in by accident). No matter if he makes your insides all gooey like jello. No matter how hard he holds it - or you do. No matter WHAT - don't let yourself enjoy it!
How many girls have said after that one stupid drunken or stoned kiss goodnight, "I really felt something - maybe....". Maybe will kill you.
Sure they look great. They feel great. They love you or at least like you a lot. They smell (usually) like you could eat them up - but its all a trick.
Not by the gay. He's totally innocent in this. He knows not what he does.
Its a trick that you are playing on yourself. Wishful thinking is a cruel mistress.
The other night - I was out - had a few drinks and met a few new people. I met a new cute boy - yum - who looked fantastic and smelled like heaven. When we left, I kissed him goodbye. It was a good one. Firm and soft and just a bit of tongue. One of those kisses that could go for hours if you left your head. But even drunk on double Gin and tonics and a promise, I stopped short. I pulled away before I let myself go. Smart girl.
Except later that day I found out he wasn't gay. He wasn't gay. Not gay. What the flaming fuck?
I have to stop assuming that everyone I meed is gay. It robbed me of good kisses. It robs me of adventure. It makes me a GIANT fag hag - and that is not always a good thing.
Sometimes a kiss is just a fucking hot wet warm really good kiss.
Fag Hag. My definition: A girl, usually a fat girl, who for one reason or another endears herself to one or more gays. Over time, the number of gays she gathers may expand and contract - usually though - there will be a primary gay. The role of the hag is to support, stroke egos, act as confident and overall BFF - to tag along, to follow and to become part of the entourage.
Out of her gay environment, the fag hag may appear just as a normal girl. Sometimes fag hags can marry and procreate although this is rare as the only men she usually meets are gay. She may be sad -deep down inside and full of wasted potential.
Image courtesy of damnstraight.oversampled.net
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