Life skills

I am amazed at my natural ability to take any situation and use it to make myself feel like a hunk of shit. Piece of dirt. Loser. Nothing. Idiot. Pig. Moron.
I can take any innocent perfectly normal conversation and find offense.
I can take a complement and see the evil in it.
I can hear a question and twist it into an order.
I can take a statment and make it into an insult.
I'm not sure how I developed this amazing ability. I don't know what twisted warped thing happened to me, no doubt in my childhood, to make me feel this way. I don't even know that I want to know in case it makes me even more insanely sensitive.
The other day I drove through the Taco Bell drive thru, as obsessive compulsive eaters often do by the way, and the nice lady at the drive thru said "you look nice today". I took this as a sign that I go to Taco Bell too much and haven't been back. She was likely just being nice. But I can't deal with that. And her kind words cost her a customer.
Once when my husband and I were fighting he said something about the kids not taking a bath everyday. And I screamed "so now I'm a bad mother?" I knew that wasn't what he said - but it was what I heard.
I always purport to not be one of those fat chicks that has low self esteem. And if you know me well enough to know my secrets you know that I have a manic depressive state of self esteem. High when I need it and running on empty most other days. Its insane really.
Is it that constant waiver between feast or famine of I'm fantastic and I suck that sends me into tailspins when someone says something totally innocent to me? I don't know.
Just yesterday my sweet Auntie Lois told me that the family is proud of me. Proud. Of me. Because I have done so well for myself in spite of the fact that I have no one.
I was a fucking basket case afterwards. I cried - I think I had a panic attack. Is that where you can't breathe and feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest? Yes? Then that's what I had. It was scary sobbing heaving crying. UGH.
I know what she said was nice.
And I also know that she's wrong. I don't have "no one". I have family and friends. I have people who like me and people who love me. I am well respected in my profession and hopefully give a lot of myself to people who need it. But at that moment - when I processed it - in my head - I had no one. I was totally alone in the world.
On my own.
By myself.
Why can't I see through the crap and take things as they are intended?
Why does it take me 24 hours to sort my shit out? Why, even now, is it making me cry?
Self aware.
I like to think so.
I know what I like and what I don't.
I love honestly and openly and say virtually all of what is on my mind.
I am not afraid to tell people what I think.
But I have regret and sadness and unfulfilled potential and fear. Why can't I just ask them to leave?
To tell you the honest truth - the reason this is so easy to write is because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want anyone to try to help me work this through and get over it. Its mine. I own it. I can fix it or not fix it as I like.
Should I? FUCK. Yes I should its making me crazy.
Will I? I really don't know. I hope so.
Until then, I would suggest keeping your complements to yourself!