Old Faithful

I settled in tonight for one of those luxury baths that only a TRUE bath efficianatto can truly appreciate.
1. Cool bathroom - cold actually.
2. Hot Hot Hot water
3. Nice clean tub
4. Giant gorgeous home made bath bomb.....www.soapbaubles.ca......
5. Brand new novel - spine not even cracked - written by a pseudo friend - how exciting!
In I climb.....
ah - the luxury! the unabashed joy that being totally weightless affords those of us who truly love our baths! AH - pure relaxation.
I float.
I close my eyes and sink my head.
AH.
I shall use my foot to turn off the water....
I am THAT GIRL.
It isn't shutting off.
Up I sit....I will condescend to use my hands THIS TIME to shut it off.
It won't shut off.
I turn and I turn and I try to turn and it just won't shut off!
Oh NO!
Help - I call.
Help - and no one answers.....
Help Wayne Help I scream.....
Up he comes....what is it?
Shut off the tap - the water won't shut off!
He tries and tries - it won't turn off!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? - he screams.
Down he runs to the basement - and I sit there - naked in the rapidly over filling tub - because the water won't fucking shut off!!!
I have to let some water out before we over flow.....
Up comes Wayne - wrench in hand.
OOOH he looks so handsome and capable and plumber like!
Every woman loves a hot handyman.
He turns and fiddles and uses a screwdriver.
He hits and pulls.
He uses the wrench and turns.
And then off breaks a piece.
And another.
Do I need to mention that I am still naked in my beautifully scented and now over flowing tub?
The water - still not shutting off.
And bang - he hits it one more time - one LAST time before...........chaos, bedlam, water begins shooting full blast out of the tap hitting the ceiling, bouncing off the walls, the curtains, filling the floor - my books are soaked - my magazine rack totally water-logged!
Wayne runs from the room FULL STOP to the basement to shut off the water at the valve. On the way from the room he slips on the bath mat and, vaudeville style, falls on his ass. Great.
Again, I remind you I am NAKED in the overflowing tub with water shooting all over me.
It seems to take HOURS for him to shut off the water.
But its off.
And the bathroom is a FRIGGING NIGHTMARE!
EVERYTHING is covered in water. And my bath - totally RUINED.
Now what? Now what indeed.
I ran out to Home Depot.
Sure they have replacement parts.
And sure the replacement parts have instructions.
They were even FREE replacement parts.
But that doesn't mean that I can replace them.
Wayne has REFUSED.
So tomorrow I call the plumber.
Until then, not only no more baths - no more water!