Unconscious Aging

I know I'm getting old. Not in a "good GOD look at all my wrinkles" kind of way but in an approaching Alzheimer's kind of way. Not in a good way.
Every day as I drive in to the office, I take the same route. Faster some days and slower on other but on average 20 minutes door to door. 5 minutes on the city streets and 15 on Canada's largest highway. Highway of Heroes if you will....but, don't get me started on THAT!
My issue is not like most people who work in Toronto, at least I don't think it is.
My issue is this:
I get on the highway and merge out of a lane which is ending, to the left, one lane. I stay in that lane until Morningside, where I merge one lane to the right. I stay in that lane until the exit for Markham Road appears where I again, merge one lane to the right, follow the off ramp and turn left from the right hand lane on to Markham Road and proceed to the office.
Occasionally - like yesterday - I have no memory of giant CHUNKS of this drive. As I pulled off the highway on to the off ramp my head said....wait....did I pass Pickering? Did I? I must have, otherwise how would I have gotten here? I don't know! Surely I must have?!?!
Is that how people get in to accident? Seriously. Do they sit in their cars - staring blankly at the tail lights in front of them (because its so fucking early when I drive in to work that its still dark out!) and they are so hypnotized by the music on their car stereo and the headlights and the sheer boredom of the repetition of the same fucking drive over and over day after day change lanes here change lanes there signal check merge.....Is that why?
Are there even that many accidents on the highway? Because frankly, I just don't see them.
If I am going to be late for work because of an accident I want to SEE the actual accident. I want chunks of debris on the side of the road. I want cars and police and wreckage and BODIES. I want to see dead and injured along the roadway as I pass. That I can reconcile with myself.
If I don't see these things, my assumption at 7:30am is that some ass-hat hit the brakes at 7am 20km ahead and that is why every subsequent driver is doing the same thing some half hour later. And that makes me crazy.
But crazy isn't old.
Old is not remembering your drive in of a morning.
Old is getting to work and not being able to remember if you brushed your teeth. I mean, of course you brushed your teeth. As usual. As always. Right between moisturizing and makeup. But DID you? Did you really remember today? Hm.
There are a million other examples.
Where did that onion go? I was sure I had an onion left for the spaghetti sauce or ....did I use it in something else? Maybe I did? Or did I move them? Where? Where did they move to?
Where did my gift card go for Montana's?
What about the CD I got for Christmas?
My black pants?
I know. I know. I have 20 pairs of black pants. But THOSE particular black pants.
And since I have been a list maker since the day I was born, writing stuff down isn't much help. Why? Because you have to remember to put it on the list in the first place!
But I'll tell you all about THAT later. If I remember, that is!

Getting the Cheese Monkey off my Back

I have a monkey on my slightly slimmer vegetarian back. Monkey thy name is cheese.
(NOTE: I know the picture is of a RAT with cheese on its back - but come on - its SPARKLY CHEESE!) I've said a dozen times in the past to my vegan friend - lets call him "Vegan Guy" - A life without cheese is a life I'm not willing to live. But, you know, I kind of think I may be changing my mind.
I am very much about visualization.
I like to imagine how things will go in my minds eye and then I can imagine where they will end up. You know, its how prepare myself mentally.
I read this book - Wally Lamb's "She's come undone" and in it the heroine (if she could be called that) loses a bunch of weight. She explained that her weight loss method was to imagine all of her food with mould and decay on it. It grossed her out so badly that she wasn't able to eat and lost weight. Ta da. Good idea - right?
So - I've been using that to help me as well. I seriously haven't had a hard time adjusting to this meatless life because when I even remotely crave meat, I visualize the animal. Carved up bleeding head off animal. UGH
Now, let me tell you, I didn't start this change in lifestyle because I cared about baby chickens and saving the poor trapped veal calf - living in a tiny white hut chained to its home - fed only milk. Nope - I could have given a royal rats rump. This change was all about me. Screw the animals.
Or.
Well okay well maybe I do care. A bit. And picturing the animal really really has helped.
On New Years day I roasted a turkey - something I've done a million times in my life. This one though - this one gagged me.
I touched its slimy skin.
I pulled out some stray feathers.
I washed it and dried it.
I pulled out a bag of its guts.
I touched the bones in its disembodied neck.
And I cooked it.
And I carved it.
And I didn't eat it.
And my kids didn't eat it.
My husband ate it. All of it. In one week, my husband ate an ENTIRE turkey (except for whatever Doug ate). And today while he munched down the final serving of my famous turkey ala king, I pictured a turkey in my head and felt really quite ill.
It was that bit of throw up in the back of my mouth that tipped the scale. I think I'm ready to be done with cheese. Its made from milk. Milk from a cow usually. Cow milk is food for baby cows. Not for me. Baby cows. UGH.
I've been cruising vegetarian chat rooms for weeks now. Reading. Exploring. Trying to find out how to shake the cheese monkey on my back.
Some people say that if you crave stuff its because your body needs it. You should give in to the craving because your body needs the calcium. Calcium. If my body needs calcium why am I not craving spinach or salmon with the bones in it?
Some people say that if you crave stuff you just have to ride it out. Suck it up buttercup.
Others suggest substituting soy or rice versions. But I don't want fake cheese just like I don't want fake meat.
But the advice I like best is one that I've followed for lots of other things. If you can give up something for 3 weeks - just 3 weeks then you can give it up forever. It takes 3 weeks to form a new habit (and apparently only 6 days to break one).
I'm still in the contemplation phase folks so don't get too excited. But really. I can do this. As I go to bite into that wonderful wedge of Gouda I will try mooing to myself......just a quiet baby cow moo. "why are you taking my mommy's milk lady? moo"
OH - and btw - the kids requested - yes REQUESTED the brown rice pasta with homemade veggie sauce and soy meatless meatballs - and tomorrow - that is their lunch. Yay!
I'm getting there.

The things you can learn from Concrete Blonde

I've got to try not to live so much of life alone - that's what the people in Concrete Blond tell me anyway.
I do like George Strombolopolis as well. Not only is he smexy - smart and sexy, he is also able to talk competently and intelligently about all kinds of stuff. Just off the cuff. I wish I could do that.
For someone who talks a lot - like me - its a horrible burden to have the inability to speak coherently off the cuff.
Oh now don't get crazy - I can speak. Oh yes and I'm hysterically funny and witty and intelligent in the right circumstances. But if I am trying to express myself - you totally want me to write it down.
Sure - I still fuck up some days.
Like today.
Okay. Almost every day.
But I'm much better in writing than I am in person.
I think this more and more often as more of my friendships go electronic.
This started at my last job. In an effort to talk about the boss and her pet monkey behind her back we set up MSN in our offices. That meant that I was literally MSNing the girl in the office 4 feet from me.
I started that super short short hand at JobsNow too. It taught me what ttyl and brb and ROTFLMAO was.
I added friends to MSN - and more and more. Cool. I can talk to 4 people at the same time. Convenient, fun and time effective.
Then I started on myspace. Met some folks. Started a blog. People started to read it. Then I took some of those friendships off of myspace.
I'm talking less. I'm writing more.
Which, don't get me wrong - I totally LOVE.
Oh no here comes Facebook! I'm on - my friends are all on - you all know how I feel about facebook!
I have a blog - and here you are reading it - and not calling me on the phone.
I have a blog on the side so that I can write about stuff I don't want to share with you.
I still MSN insanely.
I still email people who sit 5 feet from me.
Sometimes I call. But its rare.
Earlier today my husband said - why don't you just call him. And I said - I don't call him. He's not a calling friend. No not ever. Is that weird?
For a lot of people yes.
But I'm living a lot more quietly now.
It gives me time to choose my words more carefully.
To give that thoughtful consideration like George does.
I hope I sound as intelligent and humane in person as I do in writing. I know I sound the same. Same inflection and pattern of speech.
But is it weird not to live your life out loud?

Things get better everyday you stay alive
then I'm amazed
every day
that the sun decides to rise
every minute, every hour, is another
chance to change
life is beautiful & terrible & strange.
Take me home - Concrete blond

Beware the Ides of January

There is a line in a Barenaked Ladies Song that goes like this:

You're like a baby
I'm like a cat
When we are happy
We both get fat...

And I fear sometimes that's how I get with this blog.
When I'm happy and content - not much comes out.

So all that has happened lately is that my general need to rid my life of pop and all its nasty chemicals lasted about 12 hours.
I, my people, have a giant cola chemical monkey on my back.
I suppose it could be worse - it could be crystal meth.

If you think of anything to make me angry, leave me a comment and we can discuss it in greater detail. Until then, I shall sit all fat-like and purr.

The Best Room in the House

All day I have been thinking and thinking about my 2008 New Years Resolutions. Even when I didn't have a blog, I still made resolutions. For the most part, I try to stick to my resolutions - check back through the year to see how I'm doing - that kind of thing. But really, for those of you who know me well, you know that I rarely if ever stick to anything. Resolutions are just my way of making myself feel bad about stuff later in the year. So, tits to the wind - guilt away!

1. I will not quit this stupid job until I get another one - and I will not stay in this job cause I kind of hate it.
Sounds simple right? But sometimes I stay in jobs just to prove that I can do it. I prove to myself that no matter how bad it is, I can suffer through it - I will win...But I can't win if it sucks. I'll try not to get fired and I'll try to find something better.
2. I will do the dishes.
Everyday. Whether I want to or not.
Or maybe I should change that to "I will not leave a sink full of putrid dirty dishes when I go to bed". Because at least then I give the illusion that other people could maybe do dishes too.
Now, some of you are thinking - "ugh rutting pig leaving dirty dishes!" and others (and you know who you are) are thinking "I only do dishes when every last available dish including granny's silver is dirty - what's the big deal?". I want to walk that fine middle line with pride.
3. I will move.
Somewhere. Not anywhere. But 2008 is my year to move.
4. I will win the war with chemical addictions.
Not Ecstasy or crystal meth or anything fun.
My next chemical purge is pop.
I can win - its mind over matter. I need to be less chemical-y. Just let carbonation go......
Seriously though - I've done it before - I can do it again.
5. I will stick to this vegetarian thing.
I may try at some point to reduce or eliminate cheese - but lets cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?
Its been 2 months.
I've rarely if ever done anything for 2 whole months.
And save for a few HUMONGOUS cravings in times of stress for burgers and bloody red pieces of lamb its been temptation free.
Say, if you gave up chocolate - you could be wooed to chocolate quite easily by smell or endorphins. But meat? Not really appealing in the same way.
I can't say its been easy because frankly I have had spotty support. The people who support me - support me a lot and the people who don't are asses about it. Ah well.
6. My body will not betray me.
I won't let it.
2007 sucked (see below) and 2006 wasn't exactly a banner year either.
But 2008? I am in charge now. So there.
7. I will yell less.
Yes. I am a yeller. I have made a conscious effort to stop. I will continue to try to curb this impulse to scream "are you mental?" at my kids. I will also stop yelling these things:
- who peed on the seat?
- shut that f-ing (and I do actually say eff-ing) thing off!
- hurry up!
- who forgot to flush?
- stop hitting your brother!
Bad energy - bad mojo - bad everything.
8. I will write more.
I like it. I really do.
I've been working on stuff and stuff and stuff.
Experimenting with moods and emotions and voices.
I found my voice in 2007 - I hope others find it in 2008.

That's all I've got this year. I'm hoping 2008 is relatively uneventful....
Happy calm new year to all.