The Big Dilemma

So. The Big Dilemma. Do I talk about it? Do I not talk about it? Then I figured, hey its my blog. Its where I am allowed to express myself. I don't want my friends to be overwhelmed by me whining or being afraid. I don't want my husband to know how worried I am. And I need to kind of "let it all out". So. There you are.
I have this thing on my leg. Started as a freckle. Morphed into a bump the size of a nickle, purple and scaley. Yep. Its attractive. And its also skin cancer. Truth be told I knew it was skin cancer from the second it started to get all gross. Even then, it was Rick who had to force me to tell the doctor about it. I knew he was right. I knew I had to say something. But I also knew it wasn't going to be good. Just today I found a note that I wrote for myself in a book that said "DON'T FORGET LEFT LEG".
Well now, I can't forget it. The fucking thing has turned out to be more than I bargained for.
I went to see the dermatologist. The 12 year old Doctor explained it all to me. I went there expecting that the worst thing that they could tell me was that it was the bad kind of skin cancer. I'd need radiation and it would hurt and I would be fine but I'd have to wear SpH100 for the rest of my life.
What she told me was that the extrammary paget's disease is the skin cancer part. Its just the secondary cancer. Actually what I heard her say was the extra mammary patches - thank god for google sorting me out! I swear when she started explaining to me that this cancer doesn't usually occur without a primary cancer being present - the voices inside my head started to scream...."help me help me"! As she started explaining what kind of cancer it could possibly be: bowel, colon, gyne, breast - my head just screamed "no no no no no no no no no".
I didn't cry. I kept joking with her. She brought in Doctor Cold Hands. We should do your excision today - we need to do it right away. "fuck off - no way - no no no" But there isn't time. Go book the surgery - next available appointment.
Turns out next available is May 10th. I have weeks to wait. In the mean time - I shall be tested up the wazoo - quite literally - to see what kind of host cancer I have. I have cancer. Or do I? I do. Do I have to have a host? Not according to the internet.
Oh yes. I looked it up on the internet. I gave myself one day. One day to look stuff up on the internet. One day to panic. One day to cry. One day to freak the fuck out. Okay, I have had a few extra episodes, but for the most part I've been okay.
I've told people. At first I didn't want to. To tell you the truth, I was kind of ashamed. Its just one more lousy thing that has happened to me because I have not taken care of myself. I have done something else to fuck up my health. I have done something else....I have done it...
The people I told were amazing. I have the most amazing friends. The ones I didn't expect to cry with me did. The ones that I thought would be supportive weren't. The right people told me the right things. People are great. But people have their own lives. They only get to be so invested in yours.
My husband hates sickness. If one of our kids has a cold he demands to know how they caught it and who's fault it is. He has been mercifully NOT like that with this. He does think that is was a mistake in the lab and it is the incompetance of others that are causing me this stress. God I hope he's right. But last night he took me for Flaming Saganaki on the Danforth. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life it would be sheeps cheese fried in olive oil, set on fire with ouzo and put out with lemon juice. He knows what makes me forget my troubles.
What's the plan?
The plan is to vent here - so if that sucks for you don't read it.
The plan is to write my stories until they are done - because IF and IF is a big IF something is really really wrong, I want to make sure its all documented.
And I need to make some plans - in a just in case kind of way. It would be stupid not to because - my kids. My kids. Goddamn it. My little kids. I don't want them to see me sick and I damn well don't want them to see me die. My heart hurts just thinking about it.

That's my dilemma and I've solved it. This blog is my new release - to help me work it out and sort out my head.