A Matter of Time

I got an unusual unwanted email tonight from my cousin Janice. She said that my Aunt Jeanne,her Mom, is in paliative care in the hospital and its only a matter of time.

Only a matter of time.

A matter of time.

Time for her, matters.

I get that time matters for all of us.

Its all we have really. But, for my Aunt Jeanne, this weekend, time is ALL that matters.

From what I hear, her family is with her.
From what I know, this is the worst time for them.

With my dad, when he had a matter of time, we sat with him around the clock and waited for him to stop breathing.

Just waited and every half minute, hoped that it would be his last gasp.

We just wanted him to stop. Stop having time to matter.

But as with all things, you can only control what you can control - and as we all know - no one controls a goddamned fucking thing.

Poor Aunt Jeanne.

Think about it.

As if this was your very last weekend.

The last weekend that mattered.

You can't GO anywhere.

You might not be able to talk.

You can't run or walk or be alone.

What do you want to do with your time?

If you can see your family - you can likely see them scared.

Do you want to die?

Do you just want to go?

Or do you want more time?

I don't have a smart smarmy answer for you.

I don't have anything clever to say about how I would like to eke out every last second I have to be with the people I love - and if you are reading this, you may very well be one of them.

I wish I could say I'd fight.

But I might not.

I might just wish the clock would run out.

Like it was just a matter of time.